JUDGEMENT!: Fright Night

“Hey, guy. You've been watching me. I've been watching you. Your mom. There's a kind of neglect. Gives off a kind of scent. And your girl? She is ripe. It's on you to look out for them because there are a lot of bad people out there, Charlie.”

When someone says something like this to you in my world that means its either time to run until my feet burst into flames or kill something. So I watched Fright Night. I wont even call it a remake since that would be insulting to the original. This was utter shit in every sense of the word.

JUDGEMENT!: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

So I finally got around to watching Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. Damn, I need a soda after writing that long ass title. From now on I will refer to it as Rise. This movie is about chimps being taken from the jungles and experimented on. There is a cure for Alzheimer’s that needs to be found, and damn it, we need these monkeys to do it!

James Franco (127 Hours, Pineapple Express, Eat Pray Love) is researcher Will Rodman whose father played by John Lithgow (3rd Rock From the Sun, Dexter, The World According To Garp) is suffering from Alzheimer’s and Will is doing everything he can to find a cure. After an ape breaks free and is taken down. They discover she had a baby that Will takes home. The ape, Caesar, inherited all of his mother’s abilities and is very smart.

JUDGEMENT!: Conan The Barbrian

Now this is what’s called a shitty film. Is it shitty because of the acting? The effects? The dialogue? The directing? Yes to everything above. This was pretty bad all around. A lot of people have to defend themselves against not liking this by saying that they weren’t huge fans of the Arnold versions. I hold no special place in my heart for the old movie or the comics. I liked the cartoon though.

What the movie doesn’t make up for in what is bad it does with lots of Conan screaming orders. “Hey!” Yeah, that’s about it. The actor playing him, Jason Momoa (Baywatch Hawaii, Game Of Thrones, Stargate: Atlantis) is a living mannequin. There is nothing special about what he brings except the fact that he looks the part. He’s actually the least terrifying person in the movie. He was scarier at 12. Speaking of which…

JUDGEMENT!: Young Justice

I would have never found out about this cartoon if a friend hadn’t started posting links from Youtube (click to watch episodes 1 & 2) since a few years ago I said “No more!” to the oppressive cable gods. Young Justice is rare in that it’s a watchable cartoon. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but for almost a decade now cartoons have been utter shit. Many of my friends have heard my tirades regarding the crap kids have to watch. Big eyed girls dressing like hookers, dragons in wheelchairs, and pets getting the Michael Vick treatment are all that’s on TV.

The last new cartoons I was able to enjoy were Recess and Kim Possible (which you should not Google unless you need to see what thousands of fucking perverts have done to a teenage cartoon character).

Bitchfest: Remake Roundup

Hello, kiddies, Alex here.  While I know that I basically go on a weekly diatribe about the horror that remakes and reiterations of ulterior properties entails, I thought I would spend a minute and list the disgusting cadre of remade schlock that is jumping from the pre-production limbo that is show business, to the production lines.

Bitchfest: Digital TV

You know what’s cool about having your own blog? You can bitch about whatever you want and have people all around the world read it. The DNA Show has fans in the U.S, Latvia, Germany, the U.K, Ireland, France, Italy, and Malaysia. Which means they will all hear me complain about digital TV.

This new series of articles will be called Bitchfest. Just complaints about anything involving entertainment that we, young Alex and I, don’t discuss on The DNA Show. Today’s complaint about digital TV is that it sucks. It flat out sucks. Before the digital conversion I had rabbit ear antennas. And they worked perfectly fine. If a channel did not come in I just moved the antenna an inch or so and voila!

Not so fast.

JUDGEMENT!: Attack The Block

This is how its supposed to feel when you go to a theater. When you plop down however much it is you spend when you see a movie, you have an expectation to feel an emotion. Depending on what the film is you will feel joy, sadness, inspiration, fear, or horny. Maybe all at once in which case you need to see a doctor or go to church. This movie, Attack The Block, made me feel alive. That’s the only way I can truly describe it.

My boss had been urging me to see this for days and I kept putting it off. After a threat from him (you never take threats from Australians lightly!) I headed to The Arclight and saw this. The theater was actually quite full and I had a perfect seat in the center. Popcorn in one hand, large Coke in the other, goofy ass introduction from the staff, and its show time!

Spoilers are aplenty!

FAP FILES: The Vergara's

Sometimes there are things in life that are not fair. When Rosario Dawson dated Smith Jarrod from Sex In The City. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt being together. Ryan Reynolds working his way through my Spank Bank one woman at a time. Well, today I discovered something new to be mad about. Sofia Vergara has a hot young sister!

Who is Sofia Vergara, you ask? Oh, just her!

Yeah. Take that all in. She’s on Modern Family and a bunch of films I have never seen or don’t care to look up. What is important is that she is hot. Like, stutarded hot. Uncomfortably hot. There is nothing wrong with this woman. If anyone thinks she looks okay or not hot you need to turn yourself into the authorities because you are a fucking nutcase! A loon! A jive talkin’ motherless candidate for the psycho hatch!

And here is here sister. Look at her. Look at her! They are related. That is not fair. Why is it not fair? Just because. Her name is Sandra Vergara. Her sister Sofia is 39. Sandra is 26. Is there some other Vergara’s floating around that I need to know about?! Some 45 year old sister? 18? Tell me!

Oh, fap…

JUDGEMENT!: Cowboys & Aliens

I have been seeing the trailer for Cowboys & Aliens for a long ass time. So long that I no longer even cared to see it. But I broke down and watched it. The story has a very basic every day premise. Cowboy wakes up with no memory, has a laser gun attached to his wrist, fights invaders. You know. The usual.

Daniel Craig (Layer Cake, Casino Royal, Munich) stars as lost cowboy Jake Lonergan. He wakes up bleeding and in the middle of the desert with a big ass bracelet stuck to his wrist. He makes it to a run down town that of course is run by a crooked ass guy played by Harrison Ford (do I really need to tell you what films he’s been in?!). His son played by Paul Dano (There Will be Blood, Where The Wild Things Are) Percy Dolarhyde, a cowardly asshole who walks around town firing his guns.

After Lonergan and Percy are arrested, Percy for shooting a guy in the arm and Lonergan for kicking everyone’s ass, these spaceships show up out of nowhere and start blasting the shit out of everyone and snatching them into their ships. Ford aka The Colonel round up a posse and they go hunting for aliens.