JUDGEMENT!: The Expendables, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Machete

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

This was a film based in Toronto (Canada not California) and directed by Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) who is an awesome director. It stars Michael Cera (Superbad, Juno) as Scott Pilgrim, a guy who plays in a band called Sex Bob-Omb. He falls for a chick named Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) after she passes through one of his dreams. She can do it because she is American and they don’t do this in Canada.

She eventually begins taking a liking to Scott without knowing he is still dating a 17 year old Chinese chick. Scott also lives with his gay room mate played by Kieran Culkin. Honestly, Culkin doesn’t get enough screen time as he was one of the best things about this film. Scott is challenged by and has to face all of Ramona’s evil ex’s in video game styled battles and madness ensues.

The best part of the film is the fights. I was surprised to see how much of an asshole Scott Pilgrim actually was! I still don’t understand how he was able to pull the hot chicks he did. There was nothing likable about the guy. But like I said, the fights were awesome. The first 25 minutes or so are kinda dull which also surprised me because based on the trailer I figured this would be nonstop action.

Scott Pilgrim didn’t do well in theaters. Probably because bad word of mouth. As much of a fan of old school video games I am this movie didn’t do it for me. Before any angry ass people say anything allow me to state that I am a fan of Michael Cera’s films. I am a fan of Edgar Wright’s films. But this film didn’t do it for me. I’d watch a montage of the fights and ignore the rest of the film. If I had done that I would rate this higher.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World gets 2 ½ out of 5.

The Expendables

If you haven’t seen this film I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you. This film was friggin’ awesome! I cheered my ass off during this movie so many times. Directed by and starring Sylvester Stallone as Barney Ross (not the coolest name though his last name rules) as a mercenary for hire. There are an assload of guys in this film. Dolph Lundgren as the crazy one, Randy Couture as the level headed one, Terry Crews as the loud mouth, Jet Li as Jet Li, Mickey Rourke as Randy “The Ram” Robi--oh. Sorry. Wrong film. But seriously, he hasn’t cut his hair since doing The Wrestler. Jason Statham is in this too. I know I’m leaving some people out.

Eric Roberts plays the main baddie in this film with his main henchman Steve Austin. One of my favorite scenes is when while arguing with a combative woman (Giselle Itie) Roberts states that Austin has no problem hitting women. I was like “I know he doesn’t…” Oh, and for fans of Dexter David Zayas who plays Angel Batista plays a evil general in the film.

This movie has a very basic plot. Guys are hired to take someone down which leads to liberating a village. This is what A-Team was supposed to be. Lots of violence, lots of one liners, lots of explosions. I had a lot of fun with this movie and if you haven’t seen it you need to. This would get 5 O’s if it wasn’t for the ending which I found too cheesy even for a cheesy action film. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are also in the movie but their parts are very short and the least exciting.

The Expendables 4 ½ out of 5.

Machete

This comes from the fake trailer made for the Grindhouse movies and directed by Robert Rodriguez. I love this dude’s films. Except Spy Kids which I refuse to watch. If you haven’t seen Four Rooms check it out as his directed scene will make you crack up laughing. Starring Danny Trejo as Machete. Even if you don’t know his name you have seen this guy in some of the best crime films (Heat, Death Wish 4, Mi Vida Loca, Con Air, Desperado). As you watch him kicking so much ass realize that he is 64 years old and badder than you.

The movie stars Machete, a federale, not doing what he is told and tries to capture a powerful bad guy. He ends up betrayed by some bitch with a cell phone up her snatch (I’m serious) and watching his wife get her head chopped off. Next he’s a day laborer in Texas looking for work. Jessica Alba plays an immigrations cop trying to track down the elusive She who helps illegals cross the border and gets them work. Michelle Rodriguez shows up looking hot as usual but not playing her usual badass role.

Know who else is in this crazy ass film? Robert Dinero, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, and of course as the Mexican drug lord, Steven Seagul. That happened! Lindsey Lohan even appears as a drugged out slut. She deserves an Oscar because she played the part so well you’d actually think she really was! Huh? Really? Whaaaaa…?!

This movie is bloody as fuck, has cutaways that make no sense like films like this tended to do back in the day, and titties showing. While fun to watch it wasn’t as nuts as I expected it to be but definitely worth checking out. And don’t forget “Machete don’t text.”

Machete 4 out of 5.