JUDGEMENT!: In Time

Sometimes when I write these reviews I wanna sound like a little kid. I don’t always want to devote even a paragraph to some movies I watch. With this one I just want to shout “This is stupid!” and throw my toys on the ground and walk away. But I wont do that. You all deserve to be warned about this dumbass film. The director Andrew Niccol who wrote and/or directed The Truman Show, Gattaca, and Lord of War. So he has the ability to do good. But with this nonsense? Nope. Its like he didn’t even try.

The movie stars Justin Timberlake (Friends With Benefits, Yogi Bear, Social Network) is Will Salas. He’s a young man living his life on the clock. Literally. In this future or whatever the hell it is everyone is given 25 years to live until a glowing clock on your arm starts ticking down the amount of time you have left before you die. Why? Don’t know. How do the clocks work? Is it science, magic, or a digital Jesus? Cant tell you. Don’t know. His mama played by Olivia Wilde (House MD, Cowboys & Aliens, The Change Up) is celebrating her birthday. Yeah, she is 25 as well. They stop aging as well. Fuck me. They don’t even say how this occurs. It just does.

The Dante & Alex Show Episode 24

“If you think rumors are bad now, imagine when you couldn’t even have pictures to corroborate the evidence.” - Alex


“I go to church. I do not watch cult films.” - Martin Slacks


“Every dude, if they got a robot, the first thing they’re gonna do is look through the manual for the sex setting.” - Dante

In this long ass episode Dante and Alex discuss The Big Bang Theory, Moneyball, The Ides Of March, Drive, the fact they missed their 1 Year Anniversary of The DNA Show last week, a surprise visit from Martin Slacks, the Top 5 movies at the box office, and the Top 5 Comedians Of All Time. Click here to get some DNA Show on your face.

JUDGEMENT!: The Ides Of March & Real Steel

I don’t wanna right off the bat call this a political thriller because its not. I also don’t want to call it a drama because The Ides Of March is more than that. I’m having a hard time describing this film but what I can say is that I really enjoy it. If you had told me that a movie about a guy running for office would be one of the best films I have seen this year I would have said “Who are you and how did you get into my home?!”

I cant cover this like I do many of my reviews because there are far too many actors in it who put in such great performances. There is a scene where George Clooney (Oh Brother Where Art Thou?, Burn After Reading, The American) and Ryan Gosling (Drive, Crazy Stupid Love, Half Nelson) go back and forth with each other in a verbal tennis match that should inspire anyone that wants to be an actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman (Punch Drunk Love, Moneyball, Capote) has some very good scenes where if he were going up against anyone other than Paul Giamotti (Sideways, Win/Win, American Splendor) would have gotten chewed up and spit out.

The Dante & Alex Show Episode 23

“That’s a lot of dick.” - Alex


“The second thing I’ll say in prison.” - Dante

The lords of the dance are back! This week Dante and Alex cover last weekends Top 10 Films, review Real Steel, 50/50, Killer Elite, The Thing, and also the Top 5 Creature Features. Click here to download this and past DNA Shows!

JUDGEMENT!: Drive

“If I drive for you, you give me a time and a place. I give you a five-minute window, anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours no matter what. I don't sit in while you're running it down; I don't carry a gun... I drive.”

I didn’t even want to see this movie. I saw the trailers and commercials for it and it looked like a chase film and if Vin Diesel isn’t driving in a chase film or if it wasn’t made in the 70’s I probably wont like it. But a co-worker told me to see this and after his recommendation on Devil’s Double I decided to check this out. Twice. Yes, I went to The Grove and saw this movie two times in three days.

The Dante & Alex Show Episode 22

“Someone told me that he was skinny and literally went ‘No, no fucking way. He’ll never get skinny’ just out of pure spite.” - Alex


“Well no one’s ever shot up a school because they were a fan of Lady Gaga.” - Dante

In this technical difficulty laden episode Dante & Alex cover the Top 10 at the box office, Scarlett Johansson nude art, Facebook vs. Google+, movie review of Drive, Sherlock Holmes 2 trailer, Alex’s hatred of Marilyn Manson, Jonah Hill’s weight loss, The Lone Ranger, Resident Evil: Retribution, Thor 2, a Scarface reboot, a Sarah Palin documentary, have a discussion about whether or not Rated R makes films better, comedians translating to film, and Turtles Forever animated movie. Click here to download this and past DNA Shows.

The Dante & Alex Show Episode 21

"Sexy vampires do not equate to sexy Frankenstein." - Alex


"I'm sorry. I turn into the Kool-Aid Man when I'm horny!" - Dante


The boys are back in town! Top 10 movies of the weekend…sorta, Scarlett Johansson nude pictures, Spiderman reboot, Warrior, Trollhunter, horror film responsibilities, the inevitable arrival of internet TV, Evil Dead remake, complaints about Terra Nova, changing old films like ET and Star Wars, Charlie Sheen faking going crazy, Alex chastises Dante for not watching Dr. Who, publicly funded art, top 100 comedies lists, and the Top 5 Worst Remakes/Reboots Shit That Should Not Be Made Films. Click here to download this and past DNA Shows.

JUDGEMENT!: Warrior

Due to the anniversary of September 11th 2001 and a generally slow box office this movie will probably not get the praise or box office totals it deserves. Warrior is one of those types of films that come out once in a great while. Luckily The Fighter from last year came out and made boxing movies seem relevant. This one focuses on MMA (mixed martial arts) and I believe that even if you’re not a fan of the sport, fighting movies, or violence that you will still see this movie and like you. Hell, you might even shed a tear or two. There are spoilers below.

JUDGEMENT!: Apollo 18 & Horrible Bosses

This time I’m gonna give you all a twofer since neither one of these films warrants a full review. And yes, there will be spoilers. Up first is Apollo 18 starring Warren Christie, Lloyd Owen and Ryan Robbins as three astronauts manning the Apollo 18 spacecraft.

The format of the movie is kinda strange and could’ve been awesome if used in moderation. Cameras from the shuttle and the crew members tell the tale of two of the astronauts walking on the moon and collecting specimens. There are strange happenings going on however and if you happen to miss them because of the grainy camera ass camera the shot actually pauses and focuses on what you should’ve been able to see.

JUDGEMENT!: Mortal Kombat Legacy

It had to have been like late last year when the Mortal Kombat Rebirth came out and I saw it. I watched it and was immediately screaming “When is this being made into a movie?!” I mean, as much as I love the first Mortal Kombat film, it was lacking in so many areas. Still, nothing like watching Goro get punched in the nuts by Johnny Cage.

JUDGEMENT!: Red State

“How much do you think a cross like that costs?”


“In dollars or common sense?”


“Ah. Zing!”

I need this start this off by saying that I have been a fan of Kevin Smith and his films for years. From Clerk’s, which only got funnier after working behind a cash register and being named Dante, to his latest film, Red State.

I listen to Smith’s and Ralph Garman’s (Family Guy, Sharktopus, Kevin & Bean Show) podcast Hollywood Babylon every week for laughs. I remember when they first started talking about making this movie and Ralph being gone while it filmed. Smith actually edited the movie while making it and at the wrap party was able to pretty much show the cast and crew a damn near finished product.

JUDGEMENT!: Fright Night

“Hey, guy. You've been watching me. I've been watching you. Your mom. There's a kind of neglect. Gives off a kind of scent. And your girl? She is ripe. It's on you to look out for them because there are a lot of bad people out there, Charlie.”

When someone says something like this to you in my world that means its either time to run until my feet burst into flames or kill something. So I watched Fright Night. I wont even call it a remake since that would be insulting to the original. This was utter shit in every sense of the word.

JUDGEMENT!: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

So I finally got around to watching Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. Damn, I need a soda after writing that long ass title. From now on I will refer to it as Rise. This movie is about chimps being taken from the jungles and experimented on. There is a cure for Alzheimer’s that needs to be found, and damn it, we need these monkeys to do it!

James Franco (127 Hours, Pineapple Express, Eat Pray Love) is researcher Will Rodman whose father played by John Lithgow (3rd Rock From the Sun, Dexter, The World According To Garp) is suffering from Alzheimer’s and Will is doing everything he can to find a cure. After an ape breaks free and is taken down. They discover she had a baby that Will takes home. The ape, Caesar, inherited all of his mother’s abilities and is very smart.

JUDGEMENT!: Conan The Barbrian

Now this is what’s called a shitty film. Is it shitty because of the acting? The effects? The dialogue? The directing? Yes to everything above. This was pretty bad all around. A lot of people have to defend themselves against not liking this by saying that they weren’t huge fans of the Arnold versions. I hold no special place in my heart for the old movie or the comics. I liked the cartoon though.

What the movie doesn’t make up for in what is bad it does with lots of Conan screaming orders. “Hey!” Yeah, that’s about it. The actor playing him, Jason Momoa (Baywatch Hawaii, Game Of Thrones, Stargate: Atlantis) is a living mannequin. There is nothing special about what he brings except the fact that he looks the part. He’s actually the least terrifying person in the movie. He was scarier at 12. Speaking of which…

JUDGEMENT!: Young Justice

I would have never found out about this cartoon if a friend hadn’t started posting links from Youtube (click to watch episodes 1 & 2) since a few years ago I said “No more!” to the oppressive cable gods. Young Justice is rare in that it’s a watchable cartoon. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but for almost a decade now cartoons have been utter shit. Many of my friends have heard my tirades regarding the crap kids have to watch. Big eyed girls dressing like hookers, dragons in wheelchairs, and pets getting the Michael Vick treatment are all that’s on TV.

The last new cartoons I was able to enjoy were Recess and Kim Possible (which you should not Google unless you need to see what thousands of fucking perverts have done to a teenage cartoon character).

Bitchfest: Digital TV

You know what’s cool about having your own blog? You can bitch about whatever you want and have people all around the world read it. The DNA Show has fans in the U.S, Latvia, Germany, the U.K, Ireland, France, Italy, and Malaysia. Which means they will all hear me complain about digital TV.

This new series of articles will be called Bitchfest. Just complaints about anything involving entertainment that we, young Alex and I, don’t discuss on The DNA Show. Today’s complaint about digital TV is that it sucks. It flat out sucks. Before the digital conversion I had rabbit ear antennas. And they worked perfectly fine. If a channel did not come in I just moved the antenna an inch or so and voila!

Not so fast.

The Dante & Alex Show Episode 20

“Everything he touches turns to HIV!”- Alex


“I want to enjoy my film but now I cant because there’s a 90 pound girl shooting rifles in the desert while I enjoy Batman!” - Dante


“He’s literally falling apart.” - Tara

In this long awaited episode your heroes young Alex and Dante are joined by a real life girl! Her name is Tara and she and the men-children discuss Harry Potter, the Top 10 movies of the weekend, Kevin James being paid in food, Tara buys tickets to movies she doesn’t see, using a train to wipe your ass (it makes sense when explained), Transformers, Shia LeBouf being an asshole, Captain America, movie trailers making you feel guilty, the new Spiderman trailer, Green Lantern, make Professor X and Magneto a homosexual Nazi fighting duo, and Dante shares his fear of cock windmills. Click here to download this and past DNA Shows!

JUDGEMENT!: Captain America: The First Avenger

Let me start this by stating that there will be a ton of spoilers in this review. So if you plan on seeing it don’t read this just yet. Or if you’re one of those people that don’t give a damn then keep on reading.

One of the first things I said after seeing this movie (besides telling my friend that now that Patton Oswald held a door open for him when leaving the theater) was “Now this is how you do a superhero movie!” Captain America: The First Avenger automatically made it to the list of my top five favorite superhero/comic book films next to Sin City, Hellboy, Dark Knight Returns, and Blade 2.

JUDGEMENT!: Bridesmaids

“This is the first time I've seen you look ugly, and that makes me happy!”

This movie was funny. There’s your review! But seriously, Bridesmaids was one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I was going to say this year but in all honesty, I haven’t laughed that hard throughout a movie since Stepbrothers and everyone knows how much I loved that film.

The movie stars Kristen Wiig (How To Train Your Dragon, Knocked Up, SNL) as Annie. Annie has a failed cake business that she literally watches fall apart (like when someone changes the name from “Cake Baby” to “Cock Baby”). She is so cheap that she sneaks and watches people exercise in the park so she doesn’t have to pay. A very funny cameo by Terry Crews (The Expendables, Everybody Hates Chris, Get Smart).

Old Testaments!: Three O'Clock High

“I want you to understand something Jerry. I don't like people knowing about me, in fact I don't like it when anyone knows about me. So you can take that paper of yours and wipe off your dick with it! You made me mad Jerry…now I'm gonna have to do something to work it off.” 

Since I am tired of the terrible movies that have been coming out I decided to try something new. I want to talk about some of my favorite films from when I was a kid. A lot of people grew up loving the John Hughes films. Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Less Than Zero, Pretty In Pink. These are what they normally name when asked about their favorites. Mine has been and will always be Three O’Clock High.

“What the hell is Three O’Clock High?!” you ask?