JUDGEMENT!: Priest

Priest aka Legion 2 or Legion With Vampires was a crock of shit. I barely want to write a review about this lame ass movie but I want my friends to be warned about this nonsense before they waste any money seeing it. This movie was nothing but an 80 minutes (yes, they couldn’t even squeeze 10 more minutes out of this turd) trailer for likely more of these films. I hope not.

Paul Bettany (Legion, The Tourist, The Da Vinci Code) stars as Priest. That’s his name. He is an outlaw amongst his priest, a team of no longer needed slayers of vampires. At least they are believed to not be needed until vampires emerge and kidnap the wrong girl played by Lily Collins (90210, The Blind Side). He heads out to kill them until his team is sent to take him out instead.

Spoilers are all over the place after this.

One of these teammates is Maggie O (Balls Of Fury, Nikita, Mission: Impossible 3) is Priestess. I shit you not that is her name. They meet up and fight vampires that look like abortions that didn’t die. That’s a bad thing in case you were wondering. They are also with a “lawman” Cam Gigandet (Pandorum, Easy A, Twilight) who is Hicks, who also has a thing going with the girl who was kidnapped.

As they track the vampires who are slaughtering people they come across a guy called Black Hat (did a kid make these names up?!) played by Karl Urban (Red, Star Trek, Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers). He has mad kung fu skills but he gives people a chance to join him before punching their hearts out. Literally punching people’s hearts out!

After a ton of convoluted ass build up and stories you find out that Black Hat is the Priest’s old friend who was “killed” by vampires years ago. They do some karate on top of a train, dirt people on bikes get beaten up by a woman in heels in the middle of the desert, and finding out that the kidnapped girl is the Priest’s daughter.

Huh?!

This movie blew scary uncle so hard. Where do I even start? This movie had too many goddamn good actors in it to be as bad as it was. Stephen Moyer (True Blood) is wasted in this. Brad Dourif (Lord Of The Rings, Child’s Play, Alien: Resurrection) is in this for a taste. Karl Urban shows up way too late in this to save it. He is a new vampire because the queen vampire dripped some blood into his mouth? These things never thought to convert a human into one of them to help them?! And if you have a train full of fucking newborn vampires on one of the most important missions you’ve ever had, why would you have only five fucking dirt people and one fat weirdo guarding it?

As for Maggie O, she spends so much time looking helpless that when she is whipping ass it seems ridiculous. And stop having hot chicks in movies where they stay filthy! Just use a normal looking chick, okay? This movie was a mess from beginning to end. The writer Cory Goodman is working on Apollo 18 which I wanted to see until seeing this. The director Scott Charles Stewart has done four films, Legion being one. So I shouldn’t be so surprised that this stunk. Don’t waste you time watching this. Just…don’t.

P.S - Fuck this film for the terribly animated sequence because you didn’t want to film a possibly awesome series of fights and story that explains how the Priests were started and why.